August 27, 2009
one of those conversations
ep: if you break his heart, I will break your legs.me: And if he breaks mine?ep: he breaks your heart, I will be there to pat your head.me: Thanks. I feel like a pup now. xxxep: He's the shy sort la. You traumatised him. me: Ya, I did. And he continues to be traumatised. xxxme: Do you think Natnat (Ep's 6-mths old son) can love me for a few days? ep: He can love like a kitty cat.xxxjas: I only took what I took (of the porridge) yesterday. Mum packed for Janet this morning. me: I asked Janet. She said she took whatever Mum gave her. She doesn't know if there's any left for me.jas: ...me: Now I know how Cinderella feels. xxxme: Don't you feel lucky that you have such a witty sister? I'm so proud of myself.jas: Ya, right... yucks.me: It's ok. Cinderella's evil stepsisters also thought that Cinderella was the ugly one. It's called denial. jas: Yucks.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:15
August 25, 2009
1 hour and 32 mins
It's one thing to not be understood. And it's another more exasperating thing to be misunderstood. No matter how I see it, it shall always be my fault that I lead people to misunderstand me. Bblics said I just have to accept that I'm in the wrong, that other people will always, always be 'mousey' and intimidated by my sheer presence and wealth of incomprehensible expressions. 'Let other people be right about you. Enjoy being in the wrong' was what she said. I love her optimism and totally enlightening perspective.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:59
August 24, 2009
a little bit of
romance. Would be nice. Not nineteen dollars bouquet. Not candlelit dinner. Not meaningless shower of gifts. Not extravagant dates. Not passion. Just a little bit of the romancing before. Then again, we could just wait for the new batch of word quota to arrive.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:54
August 23, 2009
a pig's liver moment
It's strange, but I had one of those moments that zapped by when you feel a sudden intense pang of missing someone when I was sipping the pig's liver and kidney porridge at Crystal Jade Kitchen today. I was with Emman. The someone I missed was Wenn. As far as I know, Wenn does not eat pig's innards. So, to miss her while I was biting into a succulent slice of pig's liver just seemed out of context. But, that's how it happened. For that second or less, I hoped she was around, somewhere nearer. We would be drinking our own favourite version of latte and gazing out at passersby, passing by. We wouldn't be talking. We needn't. She would know I'm not in the mood, but she would know the exact kind of silence to give - the kind that spells support and patience. Whatever shit I have on my side, her not talking means she's also on my side. And mine, hers. We just need companionship. We needn't talk. We needn't have anything to do. We needn't ask, nor answer. We just want to feel comfortable in each other's company, doing absolutely nothing and then again, everything. That moment passed, as quickly as it had come. I found myself chewing on the slice of pig's liver and thinking it was strange that I had one of those moments, those out of context kind.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:15
August 19, 2009
out of sorts
Is it the weather? The work? The lack of prospects? The slow cash flow? The diet? The exercise, or the lack of? The monthly nemesis? Out of sorts lately. Had to make some effort before falling asleep, only to wake up a couple times near the break of dawn. Then, either feeling really tired or really restless when it's time to wake up. Dragging myself to work because motivation is at a non-supply. The meaninglessness of it, of doing things, saying things that are going to be non-productive anyway, to any of the kids. A bit like singing to the cows, knowing it's impossible, yet hoping for them to produce soya bean milk. The term is 'burnt out'. I guess so. I don't think my work matters at all. I don't see progression, no improvement. Just me and my regurgitation. Everyday. Empty promises too. As if I should ever take seriously the promises of kids. Even adults over-promise. Non-performance. Low morale. If I were my employer (in a way, which I am), I'm gonna fail my appraisal. Nothing's looking up yet. I think I will try to sleep again.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:31
August 11, 2009
What a weekend.
It was a weekend not short of ambivalence. With all good faith and bad sense, Janet brought my mum and my aunt to Taipei. Taipei, badbad Morakot's playground for the whole of last week. Over the long weekend, Jas and I kept trying to get in touch with her but my typhoonic sis has shut her mobile down. So, we had nothing to report to our other aunties and well-meaning friends. Finally, sometime yesterday afternoon, she called back to say the weather's been fine and they were managing to enjoy their holiday. They will be back in 44 yr-old Singapore this evening. My typhoonic-crazy sister. Got woken up by some dreadful news yesterday. There has to be a good reason why your friends would wake you up in the morning with a long distance call. Or in this case, a good reason that's bad. We are giving her the space they need. We believe they can pull through this together. We are here to give our support. We are waiting for more news. Meanwhile, we send our love, confident they can feel it, hoping it will help. Met up with Sharifah for lunch. Simple, economical but between us, it's always the sharing of the teaching work, of her family, of the future that continues to weave our friendship. I would have loved for more of the others to join us. But, what I continue to expect, albeit without really understanding, is that people will always be too care-less to organise a gathering and too busy to attend one organised by another. It's ok. It's about different priorities in life. Got to be more careful when posting pictures onto FB. To avoid unnecessary questions. This went down the same way as Zie having to be home before her hubby to 'put his dinner on the table', no matter where she is, what she's doing. A raised eyebrow, many ??? in mind, but it's OK! I can respect that kind of expectation and request. It's about different upbringing. We wished for something that we thought we'd probably not be so blessed to have. But, wishing has no harm. Except that when the wish takes on a material or physical form, presented to us in an obscure way, we rarely realise that it's our wish coming true. Perhaps we didn't even know exactly what we were wishing for when we did. We just make wishes vaguely, and when wishes come true, our disbelieving selves cast doubts on it. We are all insecure inside. Sometimes, I have to believe, more strongly, that love means to uphold and cherish, regardless of where, when, what, why. If this was a race, it would have to be a lifelong marathon; the prize is in the scenery along the way.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:37
August 04, 2009
Gemas
Almost everyone attributes my chubbier cheeks, rounder face shape, fleshier arms and fuller 'cups' (luckily noone really noticed the 'longer' waistline) to my being happily in love, Emman feeding me well and Emman taking good care of me.Ya, I know it's a good thing. I know I look definitely better like this now. Not sallow and malnutritioned. Not like I could be 'gone with the wind' easily. It's good, it's cool. It's wunderbar!!! I finally made it to an acceptable weight range! I'm happy too. Just that it gets reallll demoralising when I have to start tossing my pants, one by one (I only have 2 pairs left), onto my elder sis's bed. Undersized. No freaking way I can zip up. That's why I'm working to lose an inch (or by some miraculous intervention, two inches). I'm also trying to take good care of my complexion. It has been much placated with my switch to using aloe vera gel and cool cucumber mask nowadays. I guess the high-veg, high-water diet and ACES supplement help too. So, I can really glow from within and get in good shape and let Emman take all the credit. (But of cos, he does really feed me well and take good care of me. Most of all, we laugh a lot. Which is, very good.)
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:37
August 03, 2009
Making it here
On and off, I started and ended a few projects of my own. I didn't actually end them. I guess, they died prematurely due to lack of care and consistent effort on my part. I can remember a couple, just like this, just like off the top of my mind. But, no shame, no guilt. Ideas come and ideas go/die. So, I don't bark at myself for it. But what's been here and really, really here for the past 6 years and more is this. This blog space. I don't know anyone else who has kept a blog for as long as I have kept mine. I'm sure there are plenty out there. Just, I don't know them. Occasionally, I read the past. "Everyone's addicted to their past" - That's from Sophie in Leverage (Season finale next Monday) today. I'm no exception. I randomly picked a month and browsed through my own writings from a year and then, years ago. I remembered some (almost like it happened before lunch) and I have no inkling about some (almost like someone posted that, who is not me). This is why it's fun. It's like seeing yourself from different mirrors. Not just your own past, but perhaps the past of friends, lovers, partners, bosses... and the history of now. I still think a good sleep is one of the bestest things in life. Like I do miss the deep, deep sleep that happened after 10ml of cough syrup, trying to not remember or think about anything, and waking up to a whole, almost-new world... everything is in a different light, every space is unoccupied and free. If one morning, we could all start over... wake up to that exact moment, what would that moment be? Religion has rarely given me any hope. Imagination triumphs over it relentlessly. That's why I blog instead of pray. And I keep blogging.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:24
Also in this eden
Even before
other edens
Kudos